There is a specific formula that some men tend to want to roll out when engaging in intimacy. We kiss briefly, they go down on me for a bit, then we get to “the main part”, the penetrative sex. Some are very eager to get it in as soon as they can, others want to draw out the oral, either for their enjoyment or mine, but the formula stays the same.
There is a problem here, for me. You’re doing oral sex to put me in the mood for penetration. But what did you do to put me in the mood for oral sex?
It’s not really about moods at all, its about arousal. Being physically aroused is what makes touch feel sexy and delicious.
Without arousal, oral sex can feel neutral, or perhaps relaxing and nice like a massage, or even uncomfortable and painful.
Without arousal, penetration feels a bit like a medical procedure, again either neutral or painful depending on what you are doing.
WHAT AROUSAL ACTUALLY IS (FOR ME)
When I say I need to be aroused, I’m talking about a quantifiable physiological response happening in my body.
Arousal is blood flow. It’s my erectile tissue filling and becoming engorged, just like a penis does.
My clitoris isn’t just the small external part you can see. It’s a much larger internal structure, and when I’m turned on, that whole network fills with blood and becomes more sensitive.
I get erections too. I get hard. Internally and externally. For me, the harder I get, the better everything feels. This allows me not just to move away from that ‘medical procedure’ feeling, but to have stronger full-body face-melting orgasms versus a small tension release.
What I’m aiming for is that full, engorged, responsive state. When my clitoris is fully activated, both inside and out, oral sex feels spectacular, and penetration is mind-blowing. You want that for me too, don’t you?
WETNESS IS NOT THE SAME AS AROUSAL
This is something people often misunderstand.
Sometimes I’ll be very wet when I’m aroused, or after orgasm. Sometimes I won’t.
My natural lubrication can change depending on hormones, where I am in my cycle, stress, medication, even diet. So it’s not a reliable indicator of how turned on I am.
That said, lubrication still matters.
If I’m not naturally wet, we can just add some. I always make sure I have lube with me so things stay comfortable and smooth.
But lube only makes penetration possible. It doesn’t make it pleasurable.
That part comes from arousal. From my body and mind actually being engaged.
MY AROUSAL STARTS BEFORE WE EVEN MEET
The mind is the biggest shareholder in arousal.
One of the biggest influences on how turned on I feel is how I feel before we’re even in the same room. The way you speak to me matters.
If I feel relaxed, respected, and at ease, my body is already in a very different place by the time we get together.
If something feels off, if I feel like I need to be on guard, if I’m having to manage the interaction… that doesn’t just stay in my head.
My body responds to it.
And when I’m on edge, arousal becomes much harder, or even impossible to access.
I NEED TO FEEL SAFE TO REALLY LET GO
For me, arousal is closely tied to feeling safe and unstressed.
When I feel comfortable, I soften. I can relax into the moment. That’s when I start to open up.
If I feel tense or uncertain, my nervous system stays alert instead of receptive.
So the way you show up matters more than you might think. When I feel at ease with you, I can actually let myself get carried away.
THE FOREPLAY THAT WILL ACTUALLY TURN ME ON
I know you came here looking for some practical advice, and I’ve answered this in very delicious detail in the full-length version of this article on my website. I also dive into a bit of an anatomy lession so you can better understand a woman’s body, and learn more about what I experience when I am having sex.
If you’re interested in reading more about the pathway to my arousal, head to emberorgana.com/foreplay.
If you’re interested in how other women’s bodies operate – you’ll have to ask them!
